


i remember the minute it's like a switch was flipped

by JamieJam (BlackWidowRising)



Series: Enneagram 'verse [2]
Category: Men's Hockey RPF
Genre: Asexuality, COVID-19, Coming Out, Coming of Age, Gen, Homophobic Language, Internalised Distress over Asexuality, Internalized Homophobia, NHL Hotel Hoedown, Negotiating Identity, Period-Typical Homophobia, Slightly Non-Linear Narrative, bubble hockey, real world events
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-08
Updated: 2020-08-08
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:42:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,160
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25786813
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlackWidowRising/pseuds/JamieJam
Summary: Cale's biromantic and asexual, it takes a while for him to be ok with it
Relationships: Cale Makar & Nathan MacKinnon, Jonathan Drouin/Nathan MacKinnon, Samuel Girard/Erik Johnson
Series: Enneagram 'verse [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1973077
Comments: 8
Kudos: 122
Collections: NHL Hotel Hoedown 2020





	i remember the minute it's like a switch was flipped

**Author's Note:**

  * In response to a prompt by Anonymous in the [HotelHoedown](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/HotelHoedown) collection. 



> Hi,  
> Whoever posted this prompt for the Hoedown, this was so much fun to write. I definitely strayed from your original prompt but I hope you don't mind. There is also a brief mention of George Floyd's death in this fic but not enough of one to warrant a tag. I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. All titles are from Sleeping at Last's Eight, from the Enneagram album. I listened to a lot of that album while writing this and I would suggest it to anyone reading.
> 
> -JamieJam

**1. _God, that was so long ago, long ago, long ago . . . I was little, I was weak and perfectly naive_**

In high school Cale is the only member of the hockey team to not constantly be hooking up. He has a nice girlfriend senior year and they have sex once, towards the end of the school year, but it’s awkward and uncomfortable.

“I thought you’d be good at this,” she says when they’re done. “Aren’t hockey players always hooking up?”

“I’m a virgin,” Cale replies. “That was my first time.”

She laughs in his face and Cale feels the blush that had started on his cheeks deepen and spread down to his neck. “Sure thing babe,” she says, still laughing, “sure thing.” But she kisses his cheek before she leaves and they make plans to grab lunch the next day.

Cale calls his cousin Jake afterwards. “What does it mean when a girl says ‘I thought you’d be good at this’ after having sex?”

Jake laughs and Cale feels his entire face flush. “It means she thinks you’re a manwhore, Cale. What, have you been hooking up that often?”

Cale hangs up on him. 

Kelly breaks up with him the next day at lunch. Cale decides that being good at sex is something that you have to practice at to enjoy it. Anyway, it was his first time, does anyone really enjoy that?

**2. _I was just a kid who grew up strong enough to pick this armor up and suddenly it fit_**

Cale goes to college. It is somehow simultaneously so much better and so much worse than high school.

He loves his teammates. His D-partner, Marc, lives across the hall from him so they end up spending a ton of time together. He spends time with Oliver, who he played with in Alberta. They’re good guys; he just wishes they wouldn’t keep trying to set him up with girls. Most of them just want to fuck and having sex has not gotten any more enjoyable from the first time.

It’s college, they go out once a week and get drunk and it’s fine, it’s great that he doesn’t hook up because half of his teammates won’t remember what happened the next morning so there’s no one to tease him about being a blushing virgin.

The parties are better than high school ones. There’s alcohol and no adult supervision, and Cale finds that if he’s just drunk enough sex isn’t so awkward. That if he drinks enough he can forget how uncomfortable sex makes him feel. He doesn’t do it often because skating hungover sucks but he does it enough to get his teammates off his back about not hooking up.

It’s Marc’s fault that it all falls apart. One of the upperclassmen throws a party the night before everyone’s supposed to leave for winter break his freshman year and Cale gets drunker than he’s ever been. Marc takes him back to his room and as they stumble along Cale breaks. 

“Do you like having sex?” he asks. “Everyone says it’s great but it’s really, really, uncomfortable.” 

Marc looks at him, a little confused, and says, “you’re drunk bud. But yeah, sex is pretty great.”

“Tha’s nice,” Cale slurs. “It’s on’y really nice when I’m drunk. Is it s’posed to be like that, Marc?”

Marc winces. “Maybe you just haven’t met the right person yet, Maks. I’m sure it will be better then.” They make the rest of the walk back in silence.

“Y’r right,” Cale responds as Marc pushes him towards his bed “You're a good friend, y’know that Marc. You’re my best friend.”

“You’re my best friend too bud,” Marc responds before closing the door.

The next day neither of them mention the conversation, but Cale remembers what Marc said about finding the right person and resolves to try dating again. 

He meets a girl, her name’s Leslie and she’s saving herself for marriage. Cale thinks that it’s great and around their sixth month anniversery Leslie remarks that she thought he might pressure her to have sex, but that it’s ‘so nice that you understand my choice’. 

“Why would I pressure you into having sex?” Cale asks, genuinely confused.

“Well you know, hockey culture and all that stuff.” Leslie waves a hand as if to signal something. “You’re not like the other guys on the hockey team, it’s nice.” Leslie smiles up at him and reaches to hold his hand. Something warm and fuzzy spreads through his chest and he can feel a faint blush creeping across his cheeks.

“Well, you’re something special,” Cale says. “So anything we do together is going to be special.”

Leslie giggles and then says, “race you to Berkshire!” She drops his hand and takes off running.

“No fair, you got a head start!” Cale laughs and starts jogging after her.

“Keep up Mr. Varsity Sports,” Leslie taunts even as he gains on her.

This, Cale thinks, could be something permanent, something warm to come home to. He slows down, Leslie turns around from where she’s waiting at the dining hall doors, her smile bright and warm.

“Couldn’t catch me?” Leslie teases. “What will your coach say?”

Cale comes up and hugs her close, she tilts her head up so that she can look him in the eye. “I love you,” he breathes, and then bends down to kiss her.

“I love you too,” she says and Cale spins her around in a circle eliciting a little giggle from her. They enter the dining hall hand in hand.

**3. _I want to break these bones 'til they're better I want to break them right and feel alive_**

Cale gets selected for the Under-20 tournament. He rooms with Conor Timmins from Juniors and it’s a blast. They’re both Avs prospects, looking at playing on the same team in a few years if everything works out. 

After they win gold their whole team gets drunk, Cale and Conor stumbling back towards their shared room, giggling and bumping into each other. For a minute Cale sees Conor wreathed in the light from a lamp, cheeks pink, giggling and thinks, _is this an angel?_ but the moment is gone. They tumble, drunk and still giggling, into their room and stare at each other for a minute. It feels like they’ve been building to this all tournament; Cale surges forward to kiss Conor, to be consumed by this angel, to feel and be felt by him. 

Conor kisses him back and for one glorious moment Cale feels like he did with Leslie when they first got together. _Leslie_ , he remembers, and pushes Conor away.

“I am so sorry,” Cale manages to stutter out, suddenly sober.

“What-” Conor starts, but Cale is already gone, pushing past him and out of the room. 

Cale runs. Cale runs because he might have just destroyed all the good things he has. Cale runs with no direction but somehow ends up at Barret’s door. He stands there for a moment before knocking.

“Cale,” Barret murmurs when he answers the door, rubbing sleep out of his eyes. “What the fuck are you doing here?”

“I fucked up,” Cale says, story spilling out of his mouth. “I kissed Conor but I have a girlfriend and-”

Barret pulls him into his room, sits him down on the bed, and gives him a glass of water. “Drink,” he commands. “Then you can explain this to me from the beginning.”

Cale drinks, and then he tells him.

“Here’s what you’re going to do,” Barret says. “You’re going to sleep here tonight. Tomorrow you’re going to tell Conor you were drunk and that you have a girlfriend. Then you’re going to call said girlfriend and tell her you’re taking her out for a nice dinner, when it’s over you’re going to tell her that you got drunk and kissed a teammate after winning. Reassure her that you love her and hope she doesn’t dump you.”

Cale nods along to what Barret is saying, except he’s never going to tell Leslie about this. Cale has met Leslie’s parents, knows how proud they are that their daughter is seeing a ‘real man’. Leslie can never know that Cale kissed a boy, that he liked kissing Conor’s dry lips, chapped from a mouth guard the same way he liked kissing her soft ones, shiny with lip gloss. 

Cale stays in Barret’s room that night and the next morning he tells Conor that he was drunk and wasn’t thinking straight. Cale knows that he’s bisexual, likes guys more than girls, but he has Leslie so he never needs to think about anything else.

When Cale gets back to UMass, he takes Leslie out to dinner and walks her back to her dorm like he’s done so many other nights before. He never tells her what happened with Conor. It doesn't matter anyway since his hockey season picks up. Leslie gets distant, they go to the frozen four; he and Leslie break up.

**4. _When I see fragile things, helpless things, broken things I see the familiar_**

Cale signs with the Avs. He makes his NHL debut in the first round of the playoffs before they get knocked out in the second. Cale doesn’t know what to make of the locker room dynamic, doesn’t really know the guys, but Landy invites him to the end of season barbecue before he heads back to Calgary and it makes Cale think that this could be something good, this could be something permanent.

Cale goes back to Calgary. His mom picks him up from the airport in the car that she’s had since Cale was in middle school, trunk cluttered with his little brother’s hockey gear, and it feels like Cale is stepping into a life that’s no longer his. His mom natters on about the neighbors and whatever Taylor is up to lately and Cale feels disconnected from his life before and to what it is now. He looks out the window, watching Calgary fly by, it’s raining, the city looks just how he feels, washed out.

“Cale sweetheart,” his mom says, startling him out of his contemplation.

“Huh, yes?”

“I was asking if you wanted to go to Tim Horton’s and get some Timbits before going home.”

“They’re not on diet plan,” Cale responds, pulling a face.

“I’m sure you could break your diet plan for one Timbit,” his mom teases. “Anyway I missed my baby, all grown up and playing in the NHL.”

Cale remembers when he was back in midget, how after games his mom would take him to Timmie’s and they’d eat their Timbits in the parking lot. He thinks about how those were nice days, how those days were easy before everything got overcomplicated and messy. “Sure,” Cale responds “for old times sake.”

His mom gets off the highway and pulls into a Tim Hortons drive-thru. “A dozen assorted Timbits please,” she says. They sit in the parking lot afterward and eat them. “I thought you were only going to have one Timbit,” his mom teases as Cale goes in for a third, cheeks bulging with the first two.

“They’re Timbits mom,” Cale says after he’s finished chewing. “Can you ever really have just one?”

“It’s nice to see you so happy after everything this year,” his mom says. “I was so worried about you for a bit there—”

“Wait, what?” Cale says, mouth stuffed with two more Timbits.

“Oh y’know, mom’s worry Cale,” she laughs quietly to herself. “We raise you and then you grow up and go far away, and how are we supposed to know you’re taking care of yourself? You grew up so fast.”

“You don’t have to worry about me, Mom,” Cale reassures her. “I’m doing really, really, well. I’m happy.”

“Are you sure, sweetheart? I know you were dating Leslie for a while and well, you were so torn up when you visited us after the Under-20—”

“Mom, I’m fine,” Cale reiterates. “I was just, dealing with some things.”

“You know you can tell me anything, right?”

“I know mom. I know.” Except Cale can never tell her about what happened with Conor. He’s a hockey player. He’s an NHL hockey player, he can only date girls, there’s no guy that will ever be worth his career. Absently he thinks that maybe he doesn’t like having sex because he’s having it with girls.

They drive the rest of the way home in silence. 

“You know I love you no matter what, Cale” his mom says as they pull into the driveway. Cale nods and she smiles at him conspiratorially. “Don’t tell your brother I took you to Timmies and didn’t get him anything.”

**5. _I'm just a kid who grew up scared enough to hold the door shut and bury my innocence_**

Cale spends the summer in Calgary. He hangs out with his high school friends, plays ball hockey with his brother and pointedly doesn’t think about boys or sex or anything else that he’s locked in a box labeled ‘things I cannot think about often’. The summer can’t last forever though, and the next thing he knows he’s hugging his mom before getting on the plane to Denver.

Training camp isn’t bad. He moves back in with Matt Calvert and his family and it feels something like home. Cale hasn’t quite figured out how to fit in yet, but with the Calvert’s he thinks he can try. Landy regularly checks in with him and he finds himself regularly invited over for lunches and dinners with him and his family. Cale has always loved children and, if some of the Avs have small kids he can play with and babysit instead of going out then Cale will take it. 

Like college and high school before it his teammates are, of course, way too interested in his sex life, or lack thereof. All the Avs are ridiculously over invested in each other’s lives. EJ is dating Sam, Nate Mac has been dating Drouin since juniors. It’s the first time that Cale has met other queer hockey players, he tries not to be weird about it, but, well, he doesn’t want anybody to find out about him. They can’t find out about him.

Landy looks at him funny when he avoids spending too much time with EJ, Nate, and Sam but Cale thinks being seen as a homophobe is better than them finding out that he is probably gay or at least bisexual.

It all comes to a head while he’s out with bruised ribs, every breath hurts and he ends up with a light cold on top of it so the coughing isn’t helping. Cale is miserable. 

Nate invites him to his place for lunch after practice. Cale can’t avoid it because he’s injured, what else does he have to do? He accepts because he has to, it’s not a lunch he’s looking forward to. 

Nate drives them to his place and they order food. Cale gets stir fry, just because it reminds him of college. College was good, maybe he should think about taking a few classes online, Cale files that thought away for later as Nate putters around the kitchen getting plates and silverware. He feels like he’s going to vibrate out of his seat with nerves as he helps Nate set up the food on the coffee table.

It starts out fine, Nate asks how he’s adjusting to the NHL, how his ribs are, how he likes the team.

“The team’s really great,” Cale responds, smiling and blushing. ”I really like it here.”

“Well,” Nate’s voice changes, gets darker, more dangerous. “We like you here too but this has to stop.”

“What?” Cale asks, confused.

“This,” Nate replies. “The thing where you avoid EJ, Sam, and I. I don’t give a damn if you don’t like me because I’m gay but you’re fucking up locker room chemistry and sooner or later it will come to a head, and it will not end well for you. You know who Matt Duchene is right?”

“Yes,” Cale replies slowly, slightly terrified of his A.

“Well Duchene had a problem with gay people so he had a problem with me, and he had a problem with EJ and a few other teammates. And normally we’re pretty live and let live in our locker room but he didn’t seem to get that. He would leave pamphlets about homosexuality in people’s cubbies, use slurs, eventually he asked for a trade. We traded him to Ottawa. You know what’s in Ottawa, Makar?”

“The Senators?” Cale responds. “But you don’t have to worry about that. I’m not-”

“Shut up, your actions speak otherwise. Matt got labeled locker room cancer and then he got traded again. Now he’s in Nashville because no one liked him in Ottawa either.”

“I’m not, I’m not a homophobe,” Cale feels like his throat is closing up, his face is blotchy and red. Belatedly, he realises that he’s shaking.

“Cale,” Nate sounds worried now, but his voice is a little far away. 

Cale feels his breathing get faster, God his ribs hurt. He squeezes his eyes closed and counts to ten, but the tears leak out anyway.

“Cale,” Nate says again, this time more forceful.

“How, how can I be a homophobe,” Cale manages to stutter out between heaving, gasping breaths. “When I’m pretty sure I’m gay.”

“Cale,” Nate says, voice laced with concern. “Cale, can I hug you?”

Cale squeezes his eyes shut and nods. Immediately afterwards he feels Nate’s arms around him, Cale leans into him, turns his face into his shoulder. He knows that he’s messing up Nate’s hoodie, he’s always been a messy crier but he can’t find it in himself to care at the moment. Nate’s hug feels like relief, feels like a weight lifted off his shoulders. For the first time in nearly a year Cale doesn’t feel like he has to carry the pressing weight of this secret around, feels like he’s not alone. 

Nate’s phone rings, startling Cale. “You should probably get that,” he says, wiping his face in his sleeve, bright red from embarrassment after crying all over his alternate.

“It’s just Jo,” Nate responds. “I told him that I was talking to you about the locker room today and he just wanted to check in afterwards.”

“You can’t tell him,” Cale says, voice panicky. “You can’t tell anyone.”

“Cale,” Nate says seriously. “Am I the first person you’ve told?”

Cale nods. “Conor Timmins probably knows because I kissed him at the Under-20s last year but that’s it.”

“Cale, you know I would never tell anyone without your permission right?”

Cale nods.

“That being said the others might figure this out, EJ may not be a college boy but he’s not stupid. Do you want me to drive you home?”

“Yes, thanks,” Cale responds. 

Nate drives him back to the Calvert’s. “You know you can talk to me about anything, Cale, ok.”

“Thanks,” Cale responds. “For everything,” he says before exiting the car.

“It’s no problem,” Nate says.

Cale mounts the steps to the Calvert’s house, feeling lighter than he has in a year.

The next day after practice EJ wraps him in a gentle hug, rocking him back and forth and whispers. “Everything is going to be okay Kale Juice. Everything is going to be okay.”

It's his first game back after his upper body injury. He feels like he’s flying, they lose 6-4 to the Wild, but he has a point and Nate thumps him on the back afterwards. Everybody goes out after, he sits in the corner of their booth and Calvy buys him a beer. Cale is loose and happy by the time Calvy’s ready to go.

That night, when he gets into bed he thinks, Denver isn’t Calgary or Amherst but it could just be home.

**6. _I'm all in palms out, i'm at your mercy know and i'm ready to begin I am strong, I am strong, I am strong enough to let you in_**

It doesn’t last. Nothing good ever lasts in Cale’s life. The NHL pauses the season on March 12th because of the coronavirus. He goes back to Calgary, his room is still the same form when he left it, just with new sheets on the bed. His mom picks him up at the airport and they get Timbits before they head back to the house.

“You look so much happier than you did last year,” his mom remarks offhandedly as they drive home. “The Avs must be taking good care of you.”

Cale thinks for a minute about telling her. Thinks about laying down the weight that settled back onto his shoulders as soon as he stepped off the plane. but he can’t. He’s too afraid of what might happen. He doesn’t tell his mom that he’s gay.

Living at home again after so long away is weird. On the one hand everything is familiar if just a little off balance, the coffee table is new, pictures that weren’t up the last time he was home. On the other hand it's comfortable, his mom takes the time to try and teach him how to cook, he shoots pucks with Taylor in the driveway, his dad watches tape with him. 

It’s comfortable but Cale is constantly reminded that he can’t slip up, can’t get too comfortable. Especially when his brother mentions one of the boys on his team being ‘so gay’ while they’re out in the driveway, or when his dad talks about ‘real men’. Cale thinks back to Denver, where he paints his nails with Nate, where Sam and EJ flirt unabashedly in the locker room. Calgary’s where he grew up but more and more he’s realising that it’s no longer home.

It all implodes in June, George Floyd is killed, the United States erupts, and Cale wants to say something on social media because a man was murdered, but his dad tells him not to. It erupts into yelling from his dad that he can’t afford to be labeled as a ‘crying liberal in this league’. 

“They’ll think you’re a fucking faggot,” his dad shouts at him.

“Well I am a fucking faggot so you better learn to live with it,” Cale yells back. His mom looks shocked across from him at the dinner table and Cale decides that he can’t be there right now. Cale runs upstairs and slams the door behind him, flops face first onto his bed.

_I came out to my family_ , Cale texts Nate.

_How’s it going?_ Nate texts back.

_I blurted it out after my dad called me a faggot_ , Cale responds.

My parents will always take you if you need them, Nate texts back, and then texts again. _Their door is always open for queer hockey players._

_Thanks_ , Cale manages to respond before turning to cry into his pillow.

“Cale sweetheart,” his mom says, knocking on the door nearly an hour later. “Can I come in?”

Cale drags himself up from his bed to open the door.

“Oh, Cale honey,” his mom says when she sees his splotchy, tear stained face. She pushes past him into his room and drags his chair from his desk next to his bed. She pats his bed for him to sit down. “I brought Timbits,” she singsongs shaking a box.

“Thanks,” he mumbles as his mom passes him the box.

“Cale,” his mom says softly. “I am so sorry.”

“Mom-”

She holds up a finger to stop him from speaking. “Cale, I have failed you as a mother if you did not believe that you could come out to me. You’re my baby boy, Cale, and I didn’t know this whole part of you.” She reaches out to him but stops, dropping her arms. 

Cale leans towards her and gives her a hug. “You didn’t do anything wrong Mom, I wasn’t ready yet.”

“I’m sorry about your dad. I’ll talk to him about what he said. I understand if you don’t want to stay here anymore-”

“Mom-”

“I’m sure one of the nice boys on your team-”

“Mom-”

“It’s a good locker room right?”

“Mom!” Cale exclaims. “I’m going to stay.”

“What?”

“I’m going to stay. This is my home.”

“Oh Cale,” his mom sighs. “You are too good sometimes.” She kisses the top of his head and gets up to leave. “Don’t forget to brush your teeth.”

Cale brushes his teeth. His brother’s in their shared bathroom. Taylor glances over at him quickly before returning to brushing his teeth.

Cale goes to bed. He pulls the covers up around him and thinks, Calgary isn’t home anymore, but maybe Denver could be. He never does post anything except a black square.

**7. _I can't let you in, I swore never again I can't afford to let myself be_** _blindsided_

Cale calls Nate a week later and books a one way plane ticket to Cole Harbor.

Nate meets him at the airport and drives him to his house. “Do you want to talk about it?” Nate asks.

“No,” Cale says, burrowing into a hoodie. “I don’t.. my mom cried when she drove me to the airport.”

“Sid might come over,” Nate says, sensing that Cale really doesn’t want to talk about his coming out. “Jo and my parents are excited to meet you.” Nate keeps up a steady stream of chatter about Cole Harbor as they drive to his house.

Jo greets them at the door. He kisses Nate on the cheek and wraps Cale in a hug. “It will be ok,” Jo says as he hugs him. “It will all be ok.” Jo shows him to their guest room and lets him know when dinner is. “You can stay here as long as you need Cale,” Jo says before closing the door. “Nate and I are happy to have you here.”

Cale naps until dinner. It’s just Nate and Jo because, according to Nate, they don’t want to overwhelm him. It’s a quiet dinner, Nate and Jo quietly murmur as they watch the evening news.

“My parents and sister want to come by for dinner tomorrow but they don’t have to come,” Nate says after Cale excuses himself for bed.

“They’re your family,” Cale says. “I don’t want to impose.”

Nate’s parents are nice. They don’t seem to know the whole story outside of the fact that Cale looks like he’s been crying pretty often, but Mrs MacKinnon (call me Kathy, sweetheart) wraps him up in a hug as soon as she sees him. Graham MacKinnon is like every other hockey parent Cale’s met except there’s something softer about him. They eat dinner while watching the news again, while the MacKinnon’s get to know Cale. His sister ignores the elephant in the room at Cale’s sudden appearance and needles him for embarrassing stories about her brother.

Staying in Cole Harbour with Nate is good, it reminds Cale what it means to be part of a family, something he didn’t even know he’d forgotten. 

The one unforgettable thing about being in Cole Harbour is the Crosby’s. Cale meets Taylor Crosby first, Nate skates with Sid, Jo, and Taylor and she comes over afterward because ‘I want to meet your rookie. You’re not keeping him locked up are you?’

Cale and Taylor get along pretty well, they compare college experiences and Cale mentions wanting to try and finish his degree. They trade numbers and resolve to meet up in the future.

The second Crosby that Cale meets is Sid. Nate and Jo drag him out of their house to skate after he’s been there a week because they think he needs to get out more. They skate with Sid and Taylor and then go back to Sid’s house for lunch. Sid glares at him a little and Cale assumes that Nate might have told him about the locker room problems he was accidentally creating. Sid warms up to him in time and next thing Cale knows he’s been invited to a Crosby-MacKinnon barbecue. 

Troy Crosby is as hockey obsessed as every other hockey dad Cale has met. He immediately takes to talking about Cale’s plus minus while standing at the grill, and while normally it would piss him off a little bit, it feels nice to let the hockey talk just wash over him. It reminds Cale of his own father somewhat.

And then there’s Trina Crosby. She is a mom, through and through and there is no other way to describe her. She takes one look at Cale and immediately drags him over to where the food’s set out, asking about his brother and his transition to the NHL. 

It’s a nice barbecue, a little awkward because he’s Nate’s adopted rookie, but the highlight is the call he gets from his agent letting him know that he needs to come back to Denver so they don’t have to worry about his visa because the NHL return to play plan is getting serious. Cale books a plane ticket to Denver the next day.

The night before he’s due to leave, Cale thinks Cole Harbour is a nice place to visit, but it’s Nate’s home, not his.

**8. _You were wrong, you were wrong, you were wrong - my healing needed more than time_**

Cale goes back to Denver. Calvy welcomes him back into his home, and asks what he did during quarantine. Cale tells him that he spent time with his family and visited Nate in Cole Harbour. Calvy raises an eyebrow at him staying with Nate but doesn’t question it. Cale gets to play with Calvy’s kids before dinner and they tell him all about the adventures they’ve had since he’s been gone.

When Phase 3 starts it’s nice to get back on the ice. He hangs around with the boys and EJ invites Cale, Nate, and Sam over for what he deems “Queer Avs Support Group.” It’s fun, they paint their nails and Cale gets a lot of hugs when he tells them about coming out to his family. They watch _But I’m a Cheerleader_ and eat off diet plan snacks, and it feels like home. 

More and more Cale is realising that home to him isn’t a place, it’s people. 

He cuts out early when they start talking about sex, he doesn’t want to be asked about his lack of a sex life.

On the second day of training camp Cale’s father calls. It’s been over a month since they last spoke, Cale still calls his mom and his brother still texts him shitty memes, but his dad’s radio silence has been the elephant on the phone whenever he talks to his mom. Cale lets him go to voicemail.

He leaves a message and it’s, well, it’s everything Cale wanted to hear from him. It’s an apology, a promise to be better, an acknowledgement of the fact that Cale is missing in his life and it hurts him, but not as much as he hurt Cale. But— but most of all, his father tells him that he loves him, that he doesn’t say it enough, but he really does love Cale. 

It quite literally floors Cale because he sits down heavily on his bed, phone clutched in his hand, and that’s the position Calvy’s wife finds him.

“Cale,” Courtney says. “Is everything ok?”

“My dad called,” Cale whispers, still shocked.

“Oh.. is everything ok?”

“It’s the first time he’s called since I came out.”

Courtney does a little bit of a double take when he mentions coming out but she recovers by asking, “Was it ok?”

“It was better than ok,” Cale responds, wiping his eyes on his sleeve. “It was so much better than ok.”

Courtney hugs him and then gently pries him off the bed so he can eat dinner with the rest of the family. He calls his dad after dinner and they both cry, but it’s good. He tells Cale that he loves him again. 

When Cale goes to bed that night it’s with the feeling of a full belly and a warm heart, because more and more he is realising that home isn’t a place, it really is people.

**9. _Here I am, pry me open, what do you want to know?_**

They fly up to Edmonton a week and a half after training camp. The only difference from any other roadtrip they’ve taken is that Cale has packed two weeks of clothes and one suit. His mom made him FaceTime her while he packed and, embarrassingly, asked if he had packed condoms and lube. It was one thing to have your captain hand everybody in the locker room lube and condoms while lecturing about consent and safe sex, it is quite another for your mom to do it.

The plane ride is weird. The older guys with families are morose and solemn during the flight. It’s a lot to handle, flying out to the bubble and away from your family in the middle of a pandemic.

The bubble is weird to say the least. Most of the other guys his age are either bemoaning the lack of girls to hook up with or hooking up with their teammates and divisional rivals.

Cale doesn’t have a roommate, which is perfect honestly, but there are some nights he, Gravy, and Conor stay up late and watch movies in each other's rooms. It’s not like the way they were at U20’s because they’re not the same people they were then, but it’s nice. He and Conor talked about what happened at the U20’s when Conor got called up, how they were never in love, but they could have been if they had decided to make a go of it.

There are good things and bad things about living in the bubble but the worst part is that now everybody knows that he doesn’t hook up. It really becomes obvious when Roope Hintz propositions him while in line for the breakfast buffet at the end of the first week. Cale immediately turns bright red, squeaks out a _no_ and scampers over to the Avalanche table, forgetting to get the bacon he was trying to sneak past the trainers.

Nate laughs when he sees Cale’s face. “Aww,” he coos. “Did the big bad Stars winger scare you? Did he say that his teammates put a hit out on you?”

Cale shakes his head.

“Did Hintz ask you if you wanted to fuck,” Conor asks bluntly, which somehow causes Cale’s entire face to get redder.

“He did, didn’t he,” EJ crows. “Is our baby defenseman going to lose his V-card to a sexy European? Gabe, our baby boy is growing up!” EJ wipes a fake tear from under his eye. “It was just yesterday that he was getting drafted.”

The teasing continues all through practice, and even worse they play the Stars that afternoon, and Cale is dreading the chirping that’s going to happen all throughout the game. They eke out a win in overtime after what feels like a lifetime of Hintz hitting on him, and Cale begs off going to the bar to avoid his teammates chirps. He knows that it will only create more problems later on, but he can’t be bothered to care. 

Cale goes up to his hotel and curls up under the blanket he brought with him, inhaling the scent of the detergent his mom uses as he falls asleep.

The next morning at breakfast everyone is ribbing him for Hintz’s chirps and proposition. Everyone shuts up though as Jamie Benn and John Klingberg seem to be frog marching a chasetend Roope Hintz to their table, more specifically, where Cale is sitting.

“Roope here has an apology he would like to make,” Klinberg says. Hintz looks shifty but Benn glares and nudges him.

“I’m sorry for making assumptions about your sexuality and sexually harassing you,” Hintz mumbles. “I understand that making comments about a stranger's private sexual behaviours during hours of work creates an uncomfortable environment.” The apology sounds rehearsed, but it’s still a pleasant surprise and Cale turns a light pink.

“We taught the rookies not to sexually harass people, but clearly they didn’t think it applied to other NHL players,” Benn says. “Cale doesn’t need to accept Roope’s apology, he just needs to know to come to us if he does anything again and know that his behaviour is being handled.”

Everyone turns to look at Cale and he can feel his already pink cheeks get redder, but he has to say something to that. So he clears his throat and says, “I accept his apology. He made me very uncomfortable with his comments and I hope he won’t again.”

“Great,” Klingberg says. “You can come to me or Jamie if you have any more issues with our boys.” The Stars walk off leaving a group of shellshocked Avs in their wake.

“That was...weird,” Gravy says.

The table shifts around for a minute and starts talking again, albeit very stiffly. Cale makes his excuses and dashes upstairs. He wraps himself in his blanket and thinks of baking with his mom and road hockey in the driveway with his dad.

“Cale,” someone says as they knock on the door. “Cale, can we come in, it’s EJ and Nate.”

“I stole real bacon for you,” EJ singsongs.

Cale doesn’t answer. The knocking subsides and Cale is left blessedly alone to contemplate what about him is so broken that he doesn’t want to have sex. He curls up in the bed and pulls the blanket tighter around him. Cale doesn’t know how much time passes between when he lays down and when the door opens.

“Cale,” Nate says softly. “Cale it’s me and EJ, you missed practice.” His voice is low and gentle like he’s approaching a wounded animal. 

Cale burrows deeper into his blankets. He hears the beeping of the microwave buttons being pressed and feels the bed shift as someone sits on the edge.

“Cale,” Nate says again. “Cale, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Cale mumbles from inside his blanket pile. “I just overslept, I went to bed late last night.”

“Cale,” EJ says. “No one knows you’re gay if that’s what you were worried about. We would never tell anybody. It’s the first rule of the Queer Avs Support Club”

“I know,” Cale mumbles.

“Then you need to tell us what’s wrong so we can fix it,” Nate says earnestly.

“You can’t,” Cale says into the blankets.

“Can’t what?” EJ prompts, popping open the microwave and letting the scent of bacon waft over.

“You can’t fix what’s wrong,” Cale says.

“We can try.” Nate sounds so sincere, and Cale wants to believe him, but he can’t.

“You can’t,” Cale whispers. “You can’t fix what’s wrong if what’s wrong is _me_.”

EJ sets down the container of bacon to pull off a few of the blankets and reveal Cale’s streaky, tear stained face. “Cale you know there’s nothing wrong with being gay, right?” EJ says so very gently.

“I know that,” Cale suddenly exclaims. Neither Nate or EJ jump.

“Are you sure?” Nate asks, brows furrowed in a mixture of worry and determiation “I remember when I first entered the league, I was a little fucked up about being queer, but that’s ok Cale. It takes a while for everything not to feel like it’s going to fall apart.”

“It’s not—” Cale starts, throat tight and eyes stinging. “It’s— I don’t think I ever want to have sex,” he finally manages to let out the words he’s been holding in for so long. It’s this weight of his chest and shoulders, like he can breathe. “I feel like there’s something wrong with me.” 

Admitting that all out loud is what causes Cale to really start crying. It feels like he’s been doing a lot of crying lately.

“Oh Cale,” EJ murmurs softly. “There is absolutely nothing wrong with you.”

“But everybody else talks about sex like it’s so great, like it’s life changing, and I just don’t understand,” Cale says, voice tight with frustration and between sobs. “ _I don’t understand_.”

“Cale,” Nate says gently. “Some people are asexual, they’re not interested in sex. That’s perfectly normal, Cale. There is absolutely _nothing_ broken about you.”

Hearing that just makes Cale cry harder. 

“Come here,” EJ says, arms open wide. “Come here.”

Cale scoots toward where EJ’s sitting on the bed and allows himself to be wrapped up in a hug. Nate sits higher up on the bed and leans Cale onto his shoulder. 

“Everything is going to be ok, Cale.” Nate reassures him while he rubs Cale’s back like his mom used to when he was little. “Everything’s going to be ok, I promise.”

**10. _I'm shattered porcelain, glued back together again invincible like i've never been_**

The Avs win the cup against the Flyers. 

It’s a crazy tournament culminating in a seven game series of the funnest hockey Cale has ever played in his life. He gets to skate around the rink with the cup. It's not the same as he imagined it when he was a kid, but at least his parents and brother are there. His family hugs him, and his dad whispers to him how proud he is, how much he loves him. His mom is in tears. Taylor hugs him and says, “I knew you could do it, you nerd.”

The locker room afterward is a mess, everyone is sticky with champagne and high on life and their beauty of a win. When the cameras leave and everybody’s families pour back in, Sam and EJ, Nate and Jo are all slow dancing with their other teammates and significant others. Conor offers to dance with Cale, and while they both know that they're never going to be a couple, it’s still a nice gesture.

“I want to meet the boy you were staying with in Cole Harbour,” Cale’s mom says after they get back to the hotel.

“Is he your boyfriend?” Taylor teases.

“Eww,” Cale gags, wrinkling his nose. “Nate’s like an older brother, he’s got Jo anyway.”

“It’s good that you made friends,” his mom says. His dad hums in agreement.

They have dinner with the MacKinnon’s the next day. His mom and Kathy get along like a house on fire while Mr. MacKinnon and his dad satisfy themselves with talking about hockey. His mom exchanges phone numbers with Kathy, and Cale can thinks, _uh-oh, my mom’s going to get ideas_. 

Before he says goodbye to his parents, Cale’s dad pulls him into a hug. “Just wanted to let you know I’m real proud of you, son. You have a good team and they’ll be good to you, just keep playing your best.”

The Avs pack up and finally leave the bubble that night. 

When Cale steps off the plane in Denver he thinks, this— this team and this city is my _home_.

**Author's Note:**

> Come scream with me about the NHL on tumblr I’m @BlackWidowRising over there.


End file.
